Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
