If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
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I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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