Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
