I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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