...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ladies don't puke and tell
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
