tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Success! We fucked roommates!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
