Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
