Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
