I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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