I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
