I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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