it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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