guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Banned from zoo.
Again?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
