Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
