I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
