marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
