Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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