My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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