I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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