Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
