maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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