are you still at the devil's house?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
is this the sara with the beer cane?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
