My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
