I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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