I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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