So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I think i got beer on your cat.
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