I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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