NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
