Michael Bay diarrhea
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
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