Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
