I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
