HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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