babies were throwing up all over the place
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
