took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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