I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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