I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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