My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
