Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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