just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
