Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
