You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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