The maid of honor just puked.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
