Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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