if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
