i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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