dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm having to shit out rocks
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