Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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