got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
