she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.