remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
