I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
