I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
