I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
