how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
