My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
