At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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