genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
