he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
