Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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