i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
