I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
