no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
